My Diary

stillg0lden:

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today was the most difficult day ever. my boyfriend learned today that he ships out at 5 am. we spent most the day together. but it really sucks that we had been butting heads the past 3 or 4 days. then we find out he is leaving. we spent the whole day together and every time we were alone, i balled my eyes out. when i dropped him off at home, i cried and cries and cried. i told him how much he means to me and that i love him and that i’ll miss him. i couldnt stop cryings. when it was time for me to leave, i had to stop the car twice. i was having the most hardest time driving away from him knowing that he will be across the states for 4 months. until early march. its almost 2 am now. he leaves in 3 hours. im staying awake so i can talk to him one last time before he leaves.

since he will be in training, he wont be getting to call often. probably only once. but we’re going to write each other. im going to write him literally every day. people are probably thinking “wow she has no life.” but if you knew us and knew of our relationship, thats not even close to enough. we are not only in a relationship but we are best friends. not having him around will be the most difficult thing i think i have ever encountered. i know he will get to visit, HOPEFULLY, for christmas and new years. for two weeks. i know it is going to go bye ridiculously fast but as long as i get to see him, i am ecstatic. he will only be gone a month before i see him but when he goes back, it will be over two months. we’re going to miss our two year anniversary but here or not, i am going to celebrate it.

he couldnt bring the ring i bought him to training so i currently have it on a chain around my neck. so he is close to my heart and can hopefully feel that i am always thinking about him. i am going to miss him like crazy.

im going to be strong for him so that he doesnt worry about me. he knows this is going to be tough on me though. of course i am going to cry, a lot. but im going to keep myself busy while he is gone. i’ll either be with friends or family, working, or be sleeping a lot. but either way, i am going to make sure this month goes by super fast.

i cant wait to see him when he comes back. he is the absolute love of my life.

im not going to cry. why? because i am stronger than this.

so my boyfriends ship date was pushed a week farther which makes me extremely happy. but no matter what day he leaves, tomorrow a month a year ten years, i will never be ready for him to leave. theres no way your heart can be okay with the love of your life being gone for any amount of time. but what i do know is that no matter how long he is gone, i will always love him and i will be right here waiting for him

With my boyfriend going into the military and leaving for 4 months of training on the 29th, in less then a week, im starting to realize i am not ready for this like i thought i was. 4 months is a long time, he gets a two week break which we didnt know before, but it is still so hard for me to fathom. What am i supposed to do, how do i cope? I dont want him to go, to be gone for so long. He is the only one that i have, the only one i care for, the only one i want to be around. Im trying to be strong for him, so he has no worries while he is gone but it is so hard to be okay, to be ready. I really have no choice on whether i am ready or not. He leaves no matter what i feel. But time has came so fast, i feel like yesterday he was telling me that he was joining and now he is leaving in less then a week. LESS THEN A WEEK. Am i supposed to just sit here and cry and be sad? How do i learn to deal with this? I wont be able to see him until a little bit before Christmas time. But i cant spend every second with him, he has family and friends to see as well, that are going to be missing him as well. So that two weeks will go by very fast. I am trying to be strong for him, like his grandparents have been telling me i need to do. But it is easier said then done. When he is gone, i can write letters and send pictures. I probably wont get a phone although he says if he does get a phone, he would choose to call me. But i dont expect him from him. But if he does, i will let his family know how he is doing. I know im rambling but i have no one to even talk to about this. My grandma just tells me to get over it. My mom doesnt care for him, or me either. I talk to my sisters but they just dont understand right now. I have one friend. A girl i work with. She helps me a lot but i dont know if she would be able to help with something like this, i dont think she knows what to say in this situation. I would talk to my boyfriend about how i am not ready for his departure but i dont want him to worry about me. I want him to believe that i will be okay even though every single part of me will be sick inside, every single part of me is not ready for him to leave. I dont to tell him that i am scared, that i am worried, because i dont want him to think anything will be any different when he comes home. Of course it will be different, he would be gone for 4 months and he’ll come back and be all “military” like. He says it wont change him but who knows what will and can happen in 4 months. No one knows. But all i know is that i will be waiting for him, patiently as possible. I will be missing and loving him while he is gone. I will be thinking of him every second, every minute, every hour and so on. I am just going to have to keep myself busy while he is gone. Find another job, make some friends. I cant just sit at home anymore because all i will do is mope around. I dont want to mope around. I dont want to remember that he is gone and that i wont get my morning/night text messages. That i wont be getting a phone call asking to sleep on the phone with him. I wont get the random i love you and i miss you text messages. I wont get to lay in bed and cuddle with him at night. I dont want to remember that i cant do any of that. If i could sleep the whole time he is gone, i would. I really really would. So that i could wake up and he would be back like nothing ever happened. I am not ready for any of this at all. And time is passing by so quickly. I just want to spend all my time with him while i can, during the next 6 days. But we know that isnt possible. I just want him to stay here in my arms. 

I hope he doesnt forget about me while hes gone. I hope he misses me as much as i miss him. I hope he will still love me when he comes home…